No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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