so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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