I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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