On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
