fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
