I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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