Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
