She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
i now understand why vodka
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
