Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
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Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
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it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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