I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.