My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
So much rum. So many feels.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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