You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
