if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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