im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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