Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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