It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
