you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We just shotgunned beers for America
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
