I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
