I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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