pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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