so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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