Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
