Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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