I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
She even gives head with a lisp.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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