using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
