i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
