I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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