..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
