Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
