Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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