On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Sorry my hands just texted you
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
