An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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