when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize