I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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