Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I don't deserve a penis
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Randomize
