i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Acid is not a monday night drug
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
