Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
