It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
