I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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