it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
