Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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