apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
