And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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