He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
