I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
