I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I cut my penus on the lid.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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