1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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