I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
