I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
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I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
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When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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