After last night, I could never be a politician.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
