just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
