why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
