Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
