I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
