i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
