I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
