You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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