I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
