Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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